Phases of Loss

Everyone says there is an angry phase of breaking up. I'm not sure I will have this one... It's more like I think he's being stupid. He says he wants to be friends, but is avoiding making plans with me. He says he doesnt want to rehash things, but doesnt want to start over. He has convinced himself I am someone I'm not, and is not even receptive to the chance he could be wrong. He blames all the good times on the 'honeymoon phase'. Basically, he has fully convinced himself of a whole different 'reality' of how things happened. I wouldnt want to have a deeper relationship and definitely not raise children with someone who can so easily walk away and forget...

The hardest part about the whole situation, of course, is losing a friend. I love my friends. I spend most of my life being single and happy about it, because my friends bring me a fuller sense of happiness than a relationship at times. I mean, my relationship with Ian was the first time I really wanted something to work, and the first time I could see a future with someone else. Friendships, however, last much longer in my life, and don't involve much drama. The only hard times are when my friends are in relationships, and put their friends on the backburner...

Version 2 of the Breakup Analysis

alright, after much prying, I finally got the truth. I am not surprised either. Okay, he said that my behavior changed and basically made him not love me anymore. This is totally understandable. I didnt feel like 'myself' for the last couple of months (excluding the last two weeks). This was due to a couple of factors: not going to the gym, financial stress, and stress about my future. When I dont work out, I feel lazy, tired, and insecure. During that time I gained some weight also, and when my clothes dont fit, I get a little depressed. Anyhow, all these factors led to me being irritable, unhappy, defensive, and not the best drunk person. I didnt really realize what was going on for awhile though....

He never really brought it to my attention, so I didnt deal with it until we got back from SB. On that monday, I took care of my financial issues, got my quarterly health plan going, and had a long talk with J, who helped me see and deal with my behavioral errors. Of course this was very bad timing, because Ian never gave me a chance to show him that I was on the path back to normalsy.

Now my life is back together. I am the happy, chill, fun person I usually am. I am very dissapointed that he thought I was permenantly changing and that he forgot that the five or so months before that I was myself. With no other expectations, I hope he will realize that it was a weird phase thing I went through, not an awful change of personality. I hope through our friendship he will see me the way he did before all that crap happened.

Long Time, Big Changes

so I havent posted in awhile due to the craziness. After New York, Ian and I headed up north for winetasting, my dad's 50th, and a wedding. Overall it was a good trip. The next weekend, however, is now named "The weekend from hell". Okay, first of all, it was four days, which seemed like an eternity. Ian and I went up to SB for his younger sister's wedding. The worst part about the whole trip was that his family doesnt like me, and they never even made an effort to get to know me. But I knew this before that weekend. Anyhow, the first night there was this shower, and besides Ian, nobody really talked to me there. That night Ian said he would go out with the guys for a little while, not get drunk, and come back and watch a movie with me. So I am hanging out at his family's house when I realize all the girls went out and didnt invite me. This sucks. Then the maid of honor (superbitch) gets home and starts telling me how I should break up with Ian. Ian came home late and didnt hang out with me....

The next few days werent much better. Everyone kept talking about that night and how awesome it was, just reminding me of how shitty my night was. Ian and I talked about it, he promised me he would take me out the next night and I thought everything was better. Next night: rehearsal dinner. I actually had fun chatting with extended members of his family, who actually talked to me. We dont go out, Ian doesnt want to. I am sort of confused and a little pissed.

The wedding: The wedding was pretty fun, I drank a lot, and talked with cute guys from England. Everyone decided to go out that night. I got superdrunk because I wanted to go out all weekend, and was in a really weird place emotionally. Superbitch tells Ian "we dont see you guys together" and "you should break up with her". Ian and I got home safe. The next day we drive home after a brunch thing and hang out for several hours. I begin to believe things are getting better, but decide to take a few days off from him anyhow.

Wednesday: Ian breaks up with me. Personally, I think the wedding made his 25 year old self super confused about what he wants. I mean, seeing you younger sister get married must be pretty weird. Also, its hard to be the only guy in your group of friends with a gf, especially one your family doesnt like. I know he is making a big mistake and hopefully he realizes it. I spent a few days crying, still cant eat really, and told the story to about a million people. Currently, I am okay with the way things are. I dont want to be with somebody who isnt sure that they want to be with me. Also, I think he needs to see how unfulfilling one night stands and random dating is. I think most guys go through a phase in their mid-20's and it's what makes them dateable around 30.

There were issues in our relationship, but definitely nothing that couldn't be resolved. I think he just didnt want to make an effort, which is understandable, since he is super selfish. There are a lot of things I didnt like about Ian and our relationship, but nobody cheated or lied or anything like that. I realize that the breakup wasnt really even about me, so there is nothing I can do about it. I know I can find someone who is more fun and treats me better. Finding someone with crazy eating habits who enjoys airplane dvds, however, might be more challenging...

I Heart New York

Last night I returned from visiting the new york. We stayed in brooklyn and drove up to the boston area for a day. It was super fun. Ian and I walked around a huge part of manhattan, seeing most of the touristy sights, and finding chill local bars to hang out in. We got to see planes at the intrepid museum, and jazz in the west village. The best part of the trip however, was the night in boston. Boston is like manhattan but smaller and cleaner. We went to like five different bars that night. They also have a vegetarian-friendly atmosphere. I wish I could move there for awhile. The only bad part was that we ran from our terminal in LAX to see the end of the NCAA championship, only to witness our horrible loss. Very sad.

In other news: I have chosen a grad school, and will be spending the summer researching for a NASA related center. The next couple of weeks will be about attending weddings....more on that later.