Dating for Dummies

I dont know much about 'dating'. Many of my friends realize this and offer me advice. Much of it is never executed....even if its good, I am a total nerd. But the bulk of it is odd and unreasonable.
Some examples.

"[A great place to meet guys] is in the produce department...checking out cantelopes." - my grandma

"If you like a guy, you gotta go into his room, get naked and lie spread-eagle on his bed, and wait for his return." - Jake

"Find out when he last washed his sheets." - Kathy

"They always come in smaller sizes, but you only want the big one" - Raymond (this was said 30 seconds ago, I wont share what its about)

Luck of the Irish

Apparently, being a quarter Irish is irrelevant. I often say I am unlucky and have many examples to prove it. Last night I had a very unlucky night of poker. I am first to admit that how much I drink and how much money I win is inversly proportional. However, even after eight shots of rum, I know to bet big when you flop a king high flush, and are leaving soon. I went all in after the turn card (slowplaying), with no pairs on the board. After much deliberation, a much respected friend called me. He had paired up hole cards. And got a full house on the river. Absolutely ridiculous. I am tempted to calculate the odds. Anyhow, afterwards I played beer pong for the first and second time. I discovered I really suck at that game. Well, at least I have my health....oh wait, I have a broken arm. Damn.

A Nice Visual

I often speak of the wonderful protesting that occurs in my hometown. In specific, I have mentioned the antiwar protesters across the street from those supporting the troops. Here is an awesome picture my brother's girlfriend captured...validating everything I have ever written. Enjoy.

http://bobmelvin.port5.com/protestors.jpg

Hell in a Hyundai

Help! Help! I've lost my speech filter! I have done many things that would warrant a trip to 'Hell' (by strict Catholic standards), and this is one of them. Today at work I said something out of character for me...and kind of messed up. I blame it on working and living with obscene males everyday.

ME: I used to educate small children about the dangers of tobacco.
SMART-ASS COWORKER: Only the small children?
ME: yeah, the fat kids should smoke.

Other quotes:

"Liquor makes strangers friends and friends enemies."- A gorgeous witty blond
"I have dipped my toe in the lake of Buddism" - the same amazing female
"You shouldn't spend $16 on lipgloss if you can't afford to put gas in your car." - my mother
"You could be the smartest person in the world, but it doesnt change the fact that you jackoff every night into a sock." - Ty

I am such a Nerd

So, I havent been doing much with my broken arm and awkward green cast. I have been super dorky and reading a lot though. I have assembled brief reviews of the books I have read this summer in case you are bored and gimpy as well.

The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett: I love the Discworld series, but this book was not the best of them. If you like sheep, elves, or the Irish, you may enjoy this story. Otherwise Jingo and The Lost Continent are far more enjoyable.

Jazz Generations by Buddy Collette: Many interesting anecdotes about Mingus and other prominant jazz figures, however, Collette makes a much better musician than a writer.

Villa Incognito by Tom Robbins: This book is based on bestiality, Vietnam MIAs, and Circus People. If you are new to Robbins though, I recommend Skinny Legs and All and Another Roadside Attraction.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers: Humorous, insightful, and well written. I am so happy that I was able to borrow and read this book. Eggers has an awesome thought process that was highly entertaining, and comforted my own occasional insanity.

Enough dorkiness for now. An entertaining quote from an REI customer:

"I like that there is an injured employee at REI, its like fat people working at McDonald's."

Cast quotes from rock stars:

"OUCH! -Your Horrible Arm" - Guitarist, Your Horrible Smile
"The green cast is the source of rock." -Kyle

Muahahaha

I copied this short conversation from Doug's blog. I dont feel bad playgorizing though, because I helped create this lovely piece of genius. More to come.

Natty B 9683: hey, do you get all these tiny bugs in your room?
Natty B 9683: like flying ones
THE DUG: no, not really
Natty B 9683: I sprayed bugspray
THE DUG: you do know bug spray doesn't kill bugs, right?
Natty B 9683: haha, yeah, but I smoked a bowl and then thought it was a good idea
Natty B 9683: I didnt really have much to work with

Unexpected Summer

So...this summer has been surprising in many ways. I thought I would be spending lots of time climbing, golfing, and buying awesome gear. Unfortunately, I broke my arm (both bones at the wrist); and though I work frustrating eight hour shifts at REI, I struggle to pay rent and eat a nuitritious diet. Its not all bad though; I feel I have found several new insights into my life. The first of which is...dont roughouse in heels. Living in a fraternity has been very interesting...I fear to elaborate. But after urine-filled water bottles, unidentified winged bugs, and being sexiled by my roomates friend...I dont mind a smelly mini-fridge and not having a door (Its impossible to remain modest). I also know exactly how much alcohol it takes before I turn into a rambling, violent/slutty, idiot, with zero motor skills. Having broken bones suck...showering with a plastic bag is annoying and sleeping/hooking up is fairly awkward. The drugs however, are wonderful, especially mixed with previously mentioned alcohol (vicodin/codeine). Some cast quotes before this entry turns sentimental:

"This is what happens when you dont eat meat" -Marni
"Beer dont = balance" -Drew
"I did this" -Arbi
"Arbi is a bitch"-Clayton
"Lets have sex" -Henry
"This will teach you to have dinner ready on time" -Chris G

If you have something more witty...you are welcome to submit. In the next weeks, I eagerly await the return of an amazing friend, Ramona, from across the pond. Much fun and scandal will take place when we get together again. Now for the mushy part. I am not very good with emotional stuff and there is something I have wanted to tell someone, but never could. So here it is:

You have been there for so many changes in my life. When I met you, I was in my first relationship, was kissed by you in my second, and you reminded me I deserved better when I was called 'ignorant' and 'slut' in my third. We joke about being together romantically and act extremely affectionate when we are together. If I ever loved anyone (I dont claim to understand that word), it was you. I know it was always bad timing, neither of us could do a long distance thing, and our spiritual beliefs differ greatly...but I always thought there might be a chance we would end up together. Last time I saw you I felt differently. I still care about you immensely and hope we will remain life-long friends, but I have matured. I am in a good state of mind, and know myself better than I ever have. You have been, and will remain, an amazing and integral part of my life.

Alright, I had to get that out of my system...I promise more light-hearted entertainment in the next installment.