Progress? I Wish...

Alright, here's the deal. I used to be very emotionally unavailable. I was very protective of my emotions, and didn't trust anyone easily. I didn't even think it was possible for me to really love someone. It was too scary of a thought to be emotionally vulnerable.

But I did it. I loved completely and invested in a relationship. For the first time, I was completely happy and had no desire to look for anyone else. Now it's over. I think the most mature way to recover from a relationship that ended on good terms like this one, is to think fondly on the relationship and all the wonderful things that happened during it. You should be happy that you had the experience, and acknowledge that the other person is important to you. This is what I tried to do.

Unfortunately, even though Ian and I are on friendly terms, he makes jokes that are borderline mean. He is acting like he doesnt care about me and never did. I understand that he is doing this to make it easier for him to move on, but it may erase all the progress I have made emotionally. I am starting to doubt that he ever loved me. I am feeling like I put myself out there for nothing. I am regretting that I ever let my guard down. Instead of making progress, this may be backpedaling even past where I started. I have decided to go back to not giving a fuck about anything. It's so much easier this way. I didnt want it to be like this, but it seems like this is the only way it can be. I will have an even more difficult time entering my next relationship, if I ever do at all. I dont want to ever love someone again. I feel really stupid and refuse to put myself in that position again. It's really too bad, because it could be a million times better if Ian were more mature emotionally.